Quest for the right 'lid'

(Note: A little thank-you to my mom, who copy-edited this piece. I need a copy editor. Everyone does!)

What did Oliver Hardy, Magilla Gorilla and I have in common until recent?

We all wore hats waaaa-ay too small for our heads.

But I solved my problem. The others are on their own.

I finally found some cool hats after going on The Quest for The Prefect Hat, or lid as we used to call them back in the day (When I was a kid, I picked up that slang term from old men so it must go back quite a ways). It was a quest I loathed because I have always had trouble finding hats that fit. I am just not good at it.

Also, I hate wearing hats during the summer. But I have no choice thanks to a couple of prescription drugs I am taking in my on-going war against sarcoidosis.

The main drugs employed in the battle are prednisone and methotrexate (I've got a good one coming Friday about prednisone-fueled rage. Anyone will be able to relate. Stay tuned).

I am also on a number of drugs that counter prednisone and methotrexate side effects. Prednisone causes blood pressure to soar and I am maxed out on several hypertension medications. One of the medicines, a diuretic, warns patients to “avoid prolonged or excessive exposure to direct sunlight and/or artificial sunlight while taking the medicine.”

What happens if you don’t follow the warning? Well, you could become overheated - it feels like being cooked alive in a broiling pan - and dizzy like I did while tooling around one day earlier this summer in my Volkswagen GTI with the moon roof open. After prolonged exposure to the blazing sun, you’ll also feel like you want to pull over and fight the feeling to vomit and pass out. That is what happened to me last month. So my quest for an acceptable hat began in earnest.

The first lame-assed hat I wore this summer was a beige ball cap with Chicago written on it. Got it from Jewell-Osco in Andersonville in Chicago, just a two-block walk from my apartment. The cap was nondescript, and that was how I was trying to roll. I didn't want a flashy hat, just something that would allow me to travel under social radar (to travel as low and light as a 300-pound man can, anyway). I wore the hat for a few weeks. On the streets, to stores and even to a big downtown block party. I finally asked how it looked. I ditched it after my friend Megan told me it "was a little small" and not working at all.

I wore that stupid hat for weeks! I Um, friends....next time I do something silly like that, JUST TELL ME! I promise to do the same for you.

Next, I bought a cheap tan, Army cap from an army-navy surplus store in Chicago's Uptown neighborhood (I miss Chicago. If you have never done so, visit. It is awesome). No one laughed at the hat, but you could tell it was only being tolerated. Ultimately, I tossed it because portions of the fiberous lining would stick to the sides of my sweaty head when I took it off, giving me what I refer to as the "George Jefferson half-fro." I can't have that, Weezie! "

Last week, the search continued in 'Jersey. I walked through racks of lids at Target and Wal-Mart in Howell. No luck. The hats were sized for shruken-headed, delicate-looking, lady-boy posers in ulta-ultra skilly jeans. You know those guys, the ones you see in funky coffee shops. Dirty clothes-wearing, greasy hair-having, sitting around and earnestly sharing deep thoughts about nothing... Not my style.

I’m not into ball caps, especially the ones with professional sports team logos. I am a fan of the New York Giants, but I am not a 14-year-old and I am not on the roster as a defensive tackle so I will not wear the hat. I attended Temple University and did have a beautiful cherry-and-white ball cap with a stylized "T."



But it was too small (bought it on-line without paying attention to size) so I gave it to my dad. Also gave my dad a pretty chill Yale ball cap (bought at the Yale bookstore without trying it on..pattern here). Both caps fit him well. He looks good in ball caps. And finding a hat that fits well is crucial right now because I am struggling with moon face and increased weight because of prednisone.

(I do have one ball cap I cherish. It is black and emblazoned with a Kalamazoo Football logo. It was given to me back in 1989 by a cool kid from Kalamazoo College in Kalamazoo, Mich. I wear it in the fall and people definitely notice it - one even offered me cash for it. Nope, reminds me of my good buddy. I ain't sellin').

Finally, I tried Kohl's on Route 9 in Howell, N.J. Eureka! Hats big enough for my head. And they were 1/2 off! I settled on three; a green army-style hat that gives great cover in rain, sleet or snow; a broad-brimmed straw hat perfect for protecting ones self while lounging on the beach. Big enough to have a hit of western flavor, but designed for city/suburban sensibilities.



My favorite is a simple, beige knit fedora. It's a classic hat that harkens back to the days when people cared about how they looked. Once upon a time in America people pressed their clothes did not wear pants that drooped off their asses or cut off their circulation.

It was great to find some cool lids. Finally.